Why OK Cupid Sucks for all of us.
The classic seventies sitcom, “The Odd Couple”, features what may be the first mention of the precursor to online dating, computer dating. In it, Oscar joins a computer dating service, at the suggestion of his secretary, Myrna. Felix tells Oscar to be honest, but he insists on glowingly describing himself in the paperwork. In the end, the ironic twist is that Oscar ends up being set up by the computer with Felix’s ex-wife, Gloria.
The computer dating service trend, along with other pseudoscience such as mood rings, biorhythms and primal scream therapy, may have come and gone, but their 21st-century mutant spawn, online dating, has lived on.
Both Computer dating services and internet dating promise the same thing: convenience and efficiency, based on a scientific algorhythmic analysis of our personality, likes and interests. Many have online quizzes, personality tests and ratings systems. But if the algorhythms are so accurate, why, then, is internet dating so bad?
I just got back from yet another OK Cupid date, this time meeting in a tapas bar in the nearest city. Wary of giving my true address or even the town I live, I have taken to pretending to live in this city. I am expecting a young guy with curly hair and a British name, but the man who shows up, small and middle eastern, is much older-looking. I had specifically stated I wanted someone of a similar faith, but “Harry” admitted he was Muslim. Since I agreed to meet him, I kept my promise, all the while as he stared at my chest in a leering manner. This is by no means my worst date. My previous one, an attractive architect, admitted after the first glass of wine that he was still married. “I am separated,” he claimed, “but we live in the same house.”
Most of the men who “like” me online refuse to meet me, which arouses my suspicions that they, too are married men chatting up single girls for kicks. Or perhaps they don’t even exist?
Am I alone in my ineptitude at online dating? It seems that every single person nowadays has a plethora of online dating horror stories.
Just consider my acquaintance Janine, a 28-year-old IT specialist who admits to having been on at least 400 first dates, none of which have come close to the promise of a long-term relationship. Many of the “single” men she discovered are married, or crazed perverts sending “dick pics”. Then there was the guy who seemed totally right. He was funny, friendly and good-looking. Unfortunately, he was only trying to recruit her for a religious cult. At best, she admits, she used OKCupid to make some platonic friendships. At worst, the site threw her into fits of tears, followed by copious amounts of French Merlot to drown her sorrows.
Has online dating robbed us of real friendship and romance? The sudden increase in lonely “incels” who claim that they cannot attract any women is part and parcel of the modern conundrum of interconnectivity: we are now inundated with more and more ways to communicate and connect, yet we have never been lonelier or less successful at forming meaningful relationships. Internet dating, which promises efficiency and accuracy, seems to actually lessen our chances of meeting Mr or Ms Right.
Perhaps the first problem is the addicting nature of all online pursuits. Of course, these sites are meant to make a profit, and the addicting nature of compulsively viewing dozens of attractive people keeps people coming back for more– all the more reason why such sites often keep inactive and obviously fake profiles. The human brain is pre-programmed to want the most attractive partner available, and the bombardment of images of perfect people raises our expectations.
For men, surrounded by photoshopped fake profiles, the experience is pure frustration. They are surrounded by these seemingly perfect women, who keep ignoring or rejecting them. Men who do get dates report that the women behind these images are much different in person. “It’s an old photo,” is the common excuse.
For shy or socially awkward men, being rejected online is just as humiliating as being rejected in person, leading to more and more isolation. Like a muscle, social skills can only grow through use, and we are now living in an age of atrophied social skills.
For women, trying to compete with these fake images is maddening. After all, most of us don’t have thousands of dollars to have liposuction and silicone implants. Women, unlike men, are more likely to blame themselves for their failure at the online mating game. This increases the likelihood that they themselves will doctor their images or lie online. So the cycle of deception continues, leading to self-esteem problems for all of us. Men feel cheated and used, and women feel ugly and inadequate.
Scrolling through hundreds of profiles, hoping to get “liked” is simultaneously addicting and disheartening, especially since the non-responses and rejections are unmoored from any social context. In real life, we may have gotten a valid explanation. As social animals, we often rely on body language clues to understand others’ intentions. Online, this is impossible.
The other sad fact is that we are seldom able to accurately assess ourselves, thus making the salient feature of online dating, its personality quiz, seemingly useless. We also tend to write what we want others to believe about us, so, like Oscar in “The Odd Couple”, we get not what suits us, but what suits our online selves. It is estimated that at least 80% of all users lie on their online profiles. Under pressure to be the perfect person we ought to be to attract the perfect mate, the temptation to fib about our height, weight, job, income or age is just too irresistible.
Many of the profiles are entirely fake, too. It is estimated that up to 10% of all profiles online are fake, but many more are old profiles that are inactive. Of course, fraud has always existed, but the anonymity of the online world makes it ever easier to carry out, without being caught. Online catfishing scams have turned into a multi-million dollar industry, and the international nature of it means that very few of the criminals will get caught.
Social isolation is reinforced by the virtual world, where everyone can be anything or anyone, and where cruelty and silence are acceptable. Who wins in the end? The sites themselves, who are out to make money, and the scammers. The chances that you will find your True Love online are infinitesimally small, especially because, unlike in the pre-internet world, the pool of potential mates is not sieved by a social circle, or pre-defined by geographical or social parameters.
Can we change online dating for the better? After years of complaints, OKCupid decided to redesign the messaging function. With the new changes to OKCupid, designed to curb the unwanted messages that women had to look at, now you can only read messages from those you “liked”, meaning that most of us will have fewer messages, and many messages we send will never be read. In an effort to combat fake profiles, they are now going to require real names. For women who want to protect themselves from potential stalkers, though, having your “real name” means you have less privacy.
So what is the solution? People have been meeting, dating and mating based on body language, pheromones and social interests for centuries. Perhaps we all ought to go back to meeting people the old-fashioned way: in clubs, political groups, sports and hobby associations. This would force us to leave the confines of our self-imposed isolation, and learn to get to know each other the hard way. Perhaps our long-lost social skills would return. It may be risky, but it is worth a shot.